Riffing for Comedy Class – Miller Mosaic LLC

I’m Howard Smiley and I have just been accepted in a beginners’ comedy class. Our first assignment is for us to learn how to be a master of ceremonies at any type of show opening. This means for us to go out in front of the audience before the show starts and verbally banter with audience members.

Usually the routine is as follows:

You ask any man or woman what his or her name is. Then when the person answers, you repeat it to the audience so that you may be sure the audience has heard it. Then you ask what the person does for a living. And again you repeat the answer to the audience.

Then it is up to you to riff or verbally banter with the person by relating your response to the person’s job with a funny quip or joke as to what the job means to you.

Here are the responses I have done for this first written assignment with professions or jobs that might come from an audience:

Starbuck servers — How come you are always looking for tips?
Airline pilots — I hope you guys aren’t mad at your bosses.
Produce workers — I’m like you guys; I work all the time with fruits.
Morticians — At least your customers don’t talk back to you.
Dentists —I hope you guys someday have to go to the dentist for a root canal.
Tollbooth collectors — Each and every day you guys sure see a lot of change.
Cashiers — Do you give blind people the correct change?
Busboys — Do you wash your hands each time you visit the bathrooms?
Bakers — So this is what you do with your dough!
Wearing glasses — I see you are wearing designer glasses, but who designed your face?
Telephone operators — You look like a wrong number to me.
Babysitters — Looks to me that, while you were babysitting the kids, you raided the fridge too many times.
Surgeons — Did you count all the sponges from today’s surgeries?
Firefighters — Where’s your mascot Spot?
Bookkeepers — I know you do it by the numbers.
Lab techs — I hope you left the mice at home.
Carpenters — Please hold up both your hands. Gosh, you have all your fingers. You must not work often.
Stockbrokers — How much money did you lose for your clients today?
Traveling salespeople — I bet your house bathrooms are full of hotel towels.
Police officers — Weren’t you on TV lately when a kid was shown being beaten up by a cop?
Jockeys — No wonder the horse came in last.
Nurses — How come you’re not dressed in white?
Lawyers — You know the suit you are wearing? You should sue the tailor.
Bus drivers — Have you been tested for color blindness?
Politicians — Who did you bribe to get these tickets?
Electricians — You’re not smiling. Did you just touch a hot wire?
Plumbers — I hope you brought your plunger with you.
Dermatologists — Boy are you lucky, no house calls.
Furriers— I hope the minks are mating enough.
Podiatrists — How are all your tootsies?
Receptionists — Would you please hold? This call may be monitored for security reasons.
Carpet installers — All day long you lay … carpet.
Pizza makers — All the time you are rolling around in dough.
Porters — Aren’t women slobs?
Hockey players — How many of your own teeth do you have?
Automobile salespeople — How do you guys live with yourselves?
Lingerie sales — You shouldn’t get a pay check for working.
Tree surgeons — Looks like you forgot to wear your helmet.
Pharmacists — All day long you’re taking pills.
Architects — Any of your buildings falling down?
Teachers — How many new swear words did you learn today?
Fishermen — How big is it? The fish I mean.
Tailors — Pull down many zippers in your work?
Train engineers — Do you know the rules of the road?
Weather forecasters — Guess right lately?
Football players — You’re too big for me to say anything bad about.
TV anchors — Tell any good stories lately?
Students — If you are here, does that mean you flunked out?
Mail carriers — Hiding any mail lately?
Dog catchers — I didn’t recognize you without your net.
Travel agents — Which pirate location are you sending your next client to?
Auto mechanics — You guys really know how to pad a bill.
Newspaper reporters — Make up any new stories lately?
Dieticians — Looks like you don’t follow your own health rules.
Gynecologists — You’re like a chipmunk. All day long you burrow into holes.
Artists — Don’t do a self-portrait of yourself. It won’t sell.
Psychics — Right now I hope you can’t read my mind.
Fundraisers — So this is where all the money I sent you is going.
Waiters — It looks like you have been sampling the French fries.
Ministers — I hope your parishioners aren’t here tonight,
Plastic surgeons — Do you make things larger on men?

Albert Zimbler is the 93-year-old author of six humor short story books on Amazon of which MORE DATING AND MATING SECRETS OF SENIORS AND OTHER HUMOR SHORT STORIES is the latest. He also teaches senior improv.

Click here for a video of the presentation by Al Zimbler on the inspiration for his humorous stories given to the MEL (Men Enjoying Leisure) group in Chicago to which he belongs.

Click here for an interview of Al Zimbler on “The Daily Author.”