Hold the Garlic: A Fiction Short Story

Gavel

I hate perfume. I hate drinking. I hate smoking. Most of all I hate garlic. And that’s the one thing over which I sometimes have control.

People are very inconsiderate, thinking only of themselves. They will perfume themselves, or even use aftershave lotion, and then go out into a public area whether it’s at a theater, a social function, or even to religious services. Many people are allergic to these smells and get sick or nauseated from them, especially if the allergic person cannot get away from the offending person.

Then there are the people who drink to excess or smoke and come around you reeking of the drink or the smoke. And don’t forget that, in smoking, the person’s clothing often retains the smell of the smoke.

Now let me tell you of my aversion to garlic. It upsets my stomach and I keep burping the smell of the garlic for days. My breath stinks and I am unhappy to be around people.

Whenever I go to a restaurant I always inquire if there is garlic in the food. If the answer is yes, I will then change my order to some entrée that does not have garlic.

I also do not eat onions, which is another food that I hate, although a friend often dines on an onion sandwich for lunch. He says it is a terrific meal.

Whenever I go to a Chinese restaurant, I always place an order and say, “No garlic, no onions, and no MSG.” So let me tell you what happened recently when I went to my favorite Chinese restaurant where I usually dine once a week.

I ordered my favorite fish dish and loudly proclaimed: “No garlic, no onions, and no MSG.” The quick reply: “We know, we know.”

I was with my wife and four other diners and the six of us were having a lively conversation when the food arrived. Being hungry, I started to eat and noticed that the food tasted a little odd. As I had seen the assistant chef working rather than the boss chef, I thought maybe the assistant chef made the dish a little differently.

I finished the dish and finished the fortune cookie and then it happened. I burped and then I knew that the fish had been prepared with garlic. I notified the waitress, and she said, “No way. I told the assistant chef what I always tell the people cooking, namely, ‘no garlic, no onions, and no MSG.’”

I replied that I didn’t care what the waitress had said. There was garlic in the food.

We both walked over to the assistant chef and she asked him whether he had prepared the fish with garlic. Yes was his reply.

That night after suffering heartburn, burping, tossing, and turning in my sleep, I woke with vengeance on my mind. I am a lawyer, and so that morning at the office I prepared a lawsuit against the restaurant seeking unspecified damages.

The lawsuit stated my above discomfort and also the fact that I missed out on conjugal relations with my wife the evening we had eaten at the restaurant. My wife is also allergic to garlic, and the slightest smell of garlic on my breath turns her off so much that she had fled to the guest bedroom to sleep.

When the lawsuit came to court, the judge listened to my testimony, which was verified by the waitress who had served our food. The judge ruled in my favor, and the restaurant was ordered to have special guest checks printed up in both English and Chinese with the heading saying “no garlic, no onions, and no MSG” ready for whenever I dined at that restaurant.

And every waitress who took my order had to also speak to all the kitchen help in both English and Chinese to tell them that I was ordering and there was to be “no garlic, no onions, and no MSG” for my food.

It may have been a harsh legal ruling but the penalty fit the crime.

Albert Zimbler is a 92-year-old author of six humor short story books on Amazon of which MORE DATING AND MATING SECRETS OF SENIORS AND OTHER HUMOR SHORT STORIES is the latest. He also teaches senior improv.