Listening In

I was sitting on a park bench reading my morning newspaper on a wonderful sunny day in Santa Monica, California, when two elderly men in their late seventies sat down together on a bench directly opposite of me and started a loud conversation. (This because it appeared that each wore hearing aids.)

I lost interest in reading the paper and devoted myself to listening in on their conversation:

“What’s with the orange hair?” This from the blue shorts guy with the yellow sports shirt.

“I didn’t like my very grey hair.” This from the white shorts guy with the blue sports shirt.

“So how did you get the orange hair?”

“It’s a solution of two half gallons of orange juice and a quart of distilled water.”

“That sounds unusual but is there any other reason for the orange hair?”

“I’m making a statement that I want people to know that I’m around.”

“If people see you like that they may not want you around.”

“I am not talking about people knowing me around here.”

“Where then?”

“I want the girls at our retirement home to notice me when I am walking around there.”

“There are no girls at our retirement home.”

“I meant the old ladies who are our ages.”

“Is there any one particular old lady that you had in mind?”

“That redhead named Marie.”

“Why her?”

“Because with her red hair she is making a statement that she is looking for action.”

“Is that all you notice and like about her?”

“I admire her thin legs also.”

“I have never noticed Marie.”

“Maybe you need cataract surgery.”

“It isn’t that; it’s because I fancy a different woman.”

“And who might that be?”

“The one called Jeanette.”

“That giant?”

“She’s only six feet tall.”

“You are a midget next to her. You are only about four feet, 10 inches. The top of your head is just …”

“I know where the top of my head is when I dance with her, and that’s why I fancy her.”

“You mean your head is right between her breasts when you dance.”

“Boy you are smart.”

“She looks flat-chested to me.”

“She isn’t, because she told me that she wears a very tight bra so as not to be noticed by the other men.”

“You mean she likes you?”

“That is why when we have ice cream socials, she always walks over to me when the dance music starts.”

“I thought you don’t eat ice cream because you are diabetic.”

“Janette eats the ice cream and gives me the cone to eat.”

“Maybe she does fancy you.”

“It’s either that or I am a dreamer.”

“Why is that?”

“Because I get up during the night when I am thinking of her.”

“Are you sure it isn’t your prostate telling you something?”

“Could be.”

“All this talk about women is tiring me out. I am going to walk back to the home and take a morning nap.”

“I could use a nap right now also.”

The two men left and I smiled to myself. Maybe I should inquire about getting into that retirement home when I am ready for one?

© 2017 Albert Zimbler

Albert Zimbler is a 92-year-old author of six humor short story books on Amazon of which MORE DATING AND MATING SECRETS OF SENIORS AND OTHER HUMOR SHORT STORIES is the latest. He also teaches senior improv.

Click here for an interview of Al Zimbler on “The Daily Author.”