Major Study on Accidents: A Short Story

I’m James Harding, president of the Harding Improbable Research Institute Inc. We do independent studies for various organizations and at the present time we have just completed a major study on accidents.

Accidents are defined in the dictionary as “happenings that are not expected or planned.” Our specific study covered accidents in the homes of seniors.

Our company researchers spent over 18 months studying in detail 378 hospital emergency room admissions for accidents, as well as 627 personal interviews of those having accidents in their home, plus the response of 1872 seniors who answered and returned the questionnaire sent to them by our company. We feel that our report truly reflects valid answers as to accidents in the home.

Our report shows that there are many more accidents taking place in the bedroom than in the kitchen of these seniors’ homes. More seniors sustain broken bones in their bedroom than in their kitchen. Of course there are more knife wounds in the kitchen than in the bedroom, even though there might be knife wounds in the bedroom due to jealous lovers, but our study did not venture into this area.

Additional survey results showed that seniors had more charley horses in bedrooms than in the kitchen because of their feet actions in bed in comparison to their leg movements while walking around the kitchen or even while sitting at the kitchen table. Our survey did not delve into whether these charley horses may have started while the bed occupants were involved in something more than sleeping.

Sleepwalking, which was not a major percentage of the accidents noted, was more injurious in the bedroom than in the kitchen as these sleepwalkers usually had their accident even before they got out of the bedroom with either a broken toe or a broken nose.

We had some funny reports of accidents in the bedroom. One such goofy accident was revealed in an answer that a wife had made sandwiches for her husband to take for lunch, found out she had lost one of her hearing aids, and it turned up when husband broke a tooth eating the sandwich his wife had prepared for him.

Another was of a woman who was tucked into her bed with a box of Milk Duds ready to watch “Dancing with the Stars.” One of the Milk Duds was rather crunchy and she could not get it to soften up so she just swallowed it whole.

She continued watching the television program but it seemed to her that the sound of the program was not right. She thought maybe it wasn’t the television set but her hearing aids. So she checked, only to find out one missing.

Apparently, as she had shifted into position on the bed, a hearing aid had fallen out of her ear and dropped right into the little box of Milk Duds. For the next few days, until corrected, her entire body had a stereo sound.

Albert Zimbler is a 92-year-old author of six humor short story books on Amazon of which MORE DATING AND MATING SECRETS OF SENIORS AND OTHER HUMOR SHORT STORIES is the latest. He also teaches senior improv. Click here to see his Amazon author profile.